My daughter
by Emma-Lee14
Summary: For a minute she could not see, blinded by the light. Then the vial in her hand began to get warm and she glanced down at it. She could not believe her eyes. The vial dropped, it crashed to the floor. Pink liquid splattered on her robes. She was pregnant.
1. There Goes My Life

_Chapter One: There Goes my Life_

_Pregnancy Potion_

**Ingredients: **A pinch of fresh baby's breath; 3¾ cups of fresh rainwater; a teaspoon of Dragon's blood; three ounces Powdered root of asphodel; Essence of belladona; 5 Crushed rose petals; three pinches Faerie dust; A single strand of unicorn hair.

**Note: **This potion must be brewed on the night before a New Moon. The potion will be finished and the results viewable when the new moon rises, at sunrise the next morning. If your potion turns blue, you will be having a boy. If pink, a girl. If your potion turns clear then you are not with child.

Instructions:

**_First Vial-_**

Take the first vial and pour in 1¼ cups of rainwater

Add in 1/3 ounces of the Powdered root of asphodel.

Perform a mild heating spell on the vial and wait three minutes

Now add in the entire essence of belladona, careful to add it slowly

Stand vial upright and leave it at room temperature for now

**_Second Vial-_**

Put in 1¼ cups of rainwater

Quickly crush five rose petals and add them

Immediately swirl mixture three times counter clockwise

Add a cooling spell and set the vial upright

**_Third Vial-_**

Put in 1¼ cups of rainwater

Mix in the Dragons blood, a drop at a time. Wait two seconds between drops.

Carefully levitate the potion, then perform a boiling spell

Set the potion upright

**_Now-_**

Very very carefully clip the single strand of unicorns hair into three even halves. Put one in each of the standing vials.

Wait 45 seconds then add a pinch of faerie dust in each.

Get your cauldron and pour the vials into it, starting with the first and ending with the third.

Let it set for half an hour then put in the Baby's breath

Let it set for another hour

Stir the potion once clockwise, while pouring in a cup of your urine

Immediately turn three times counter clockwise

You will know you have done it right so far if the potion reaches a light green shade

Once it does, perform a heating charm and let the potion boil for ten minutes

Now prick your finger till one drop of blood oozes out and let it drop into the potion

Immediately it will start to simmer and steam

Wait five minutes, then cap the cauldron and levitate it into the air

Swing it in a figure eight motion for a few minutes, then bring it back down

Take out your last vial and fill it with the liquid from your potion. You will notice that it has severely reduced in quantity, that is supposed to happen. It should also be a deep purple color. You should have enough to fill your vial.

Set it anywhere you want, be sure to cap it. Wait until the sunrises the next morning and you will have your results.

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(January 8th)

She scanned the potion's card carefully, not missing a thing. All the ingredients had been fairly easy to get, Professor Snape had most of them in the classroom. None of them were rare items and when she slipped a few into her robes during her next Potions class, no one took the slightest notice. Except for the Unicorn hair, that brought some problems. It was much more rare and expensive than the other ingredients, so it was locked in the professor's storage room. She had to steal Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and sneak into the room. The lock yielded to a simple Alohomora charm, and she had the unicorns hair in no time. She laid out all of her ingredients on the floor of the girls bathroom and scanned the instructions one more time. It was kind of ironic that she was making the potion in this room, this very room that she would have conceived any child she carried. The irony made her cringe, but in a weird way, it also pleased her. It was sort of fitting. And after all, this was a place to make a secret potion. It had served that purpose before. She sighed and shook her head. Enough thinking about this room, she needed to start. She had had to wait a week for the next new moon, it was a painful wait. But very very necessary. She sighed and picked up the first vial. Immediately she felt calm and aware of her surroundings. She pretended that this was just another project for school she would receive a grade for. A professional air seemed to overcome her and her back straightened unconsciously. The next few hours went by soundlessly and quickly as she poured in ingredients and stirred vials and mixed them. Finally after what seemed like days, she was on the last few steps. She had just poured in her urine, grimacing as she did so. Nasty but necessary. The next step would be the most important however. She knew that without this, the potion was useless. Using the back of her Gryffindor pin, she pricket her finger. The pain was brief and short and her reward was a small bubble of blood oozing from the tip of her right wedding finger. Flinching slightly, she squeezed her finger slowly so that the crimson drop grew bigger. When it looked like the bubble was fit to burst, she stopped. She held her finger over the simmering potion and turned it over, so the bubble burst and the blood ran down her finger. It collected at the tip in a small drop, growing slightly larger. Not able to wait any longer, she flicked her finger slightly. The precious red jewel dropped from her finger and hit the potion with a definite "ping". Immediately the concoction began to hiss and bubble violently. She quickly performed the rest of the necessary acts and sucked on her wounded finger.

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It was done. She surveyed the single vial in her hand with satisfaction. The potion was a lovely deep shade of purple, exactly as it was supposed to be. It had taken her longer than she had thought it would, but she was done and it was worth it. She picked up the little rubber cap and capped the vial, careful to perform a locking charm so it wouldn't slip off. Then for good measure she made the vial unbreakable. She didn't want anything to happen to it and have to perform the potion all over again. Now that it was done, the only thing left was for her to wait. She bit her lip and closed her eyes. She was so tired, so very very tired. Without knowing what she was doing, the young girl's mind began to drift Into unconsciousness and she drifted off to sleep.

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She woke quietly, only slightly startled by her surroundings. She had supposed she might fall asleep. She yawned quietly and stretched her arms above her head. She glanced out the window beside her and noticed that it was about ten minutes until sunrise. For the first time since she gathered the ingredients and brewed the potion, she began to get nervous. She bit her lip and carried her precious vial to the window sill. She sat it down then looked out the window in sadness. So much depended on the outcome of this potion, so very much.

How could she have been so careless? She hadn't even thought to use a pregnancy prevention spell. She didn't even know any pregnancy prevention spells! She had been so unprepared….and she had so much going for her. She wanted to be an auror after school, she wanted to fight the dark lord. She could do none of that if she was with child. And then, there were her friends to consider. Their faces immediately came up in her mind and she flinched. They would hate her, she knew it. They would never want to speak to her again.

Damnit! This was not supposed to happen to her. Other girls, perhaps, but not her. Never in her wildest dreams would have she imagined herself in this situation. She was perfect, she was the one with the answers, the leader, the smart one, the one who kept her cool when everyone else lost it. And look at her now. She laughed bitterly and pressed her forehead onto the cool glass of the window. She was not perfect, or smart, or anything but stupid. She had gotten herself into a position that she could not back out of. They would all be so disappointed, everyone would be so shocked. She squinted as the sun suddenly sprang forth from the sky and sunlight pierced her eyes. For a minute she could not see, blinded by the light. Then the vial in her hand began to get warm and she glanced down at it. She could not believe her eyes. The vial dropped, it crashed to the floor. The charm she had cast to make it unbreakable had faded. Pink liquid splattered into her feet and the bottom of her dress.

She was pregnant. She was pregnant with a baby girl and her life was ruined. Hermione Granger began to weep softly.

* * *

"And he said,

There goes my life.

There goes my future, my everything.

Might as well kiss it all good-bye.

There goes my life...…"

-Kenny Chesney Lyrics


	2. Perfect

_Chapter Two: Perfect_

(January 8th, later that day)

Ask anyone, Hermione Granger knew everything. What's that potion you had to brew in the light of a full moon near a volcano? Hermione knew. What was the most helpful plant to cure a stomach ache? Hermione knew. Hermione Granger knew everything, she could tell you the answer to any question -except possibly one about quidditch. She could also perform any spell asked of her, because Hermione Granger was also perfect.

She read the right books, was nice to the right people, made the right grades, she did everything right. Nothing wrong, of course not. Hermione was far too smart to do anything wrong. No, she was perfect. Brave, adventurous, smart, pretty, kind, perfect.

That's what anyone would say if you asked them about Hermione Jane Granger. They would also probably tell you that if you need a girl to go to for answers, go to Hermione.

But what they didn't know, what no one would tell you, is that being perfect is impossible. Alas, it's an image. A façade, a play, fake. It's not real. Perfection is an allusion, anyone can master it. You don't always make the right choices, You don't always do the right thing. But you pretend to. Anyone can be perfect with the right mask and the right acting. When afraid, act courageous. When mad, act calm. When sad, be happy, when worried, confident. See the trend? It's not that hard. Of course you lose your cool every now and then, the mask does occasionally slip. Sometimes it's okay to stop pretending for a while and mess up, then you're normal. And being normal is just as important as being perfect. But you can't slip up too often nor too big, they only forgive you sometimes.

So Hermione Granger is perfect, the perfect actor, the perfect person at pretending.

Until now. Until that night when she ruined her life.

---------------------

Hermione Granger wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and shuddered.

Pregnant.

The word was like a sickly sweet poison. Pretty in appearance, deadly in reality. It made her stomach churn with nausea and her throat burn with unexpressed screams. She bit her lips and pressed her forehead to her knees.

Pregnant.

It meant that she would never be an auror. She would never fight Voldemort or score perfect on her N.E.W.T.S. It meant her future was ruined, her life ruined. It branded her a whore, a slut, and a billion other filthy demeaning names. It meant she had messed up worse than she had ever thought she was capable of. Her face burned with shame at the looks she knew she would receive. They would mock her, hate her, pity her, love her, accept her.

Pregnant.

An alien life form was growing inside of her. Not part of her, part of him. Them. He would not love this child of his, as he did not love it's mother. How could she tell him? How would he react? How could she deal with all of this, plus the troubles going on right now? She was supposed to be there for Harry, for Ron, for everyone. Not just herself. She couldn't have a baby when she had such a big future. It would ruin everything.

Pregnant.

She didn't have to be. Hermione knew of girls who had given themselves abortions. There were books in the restricted section of the library, she knew, that girls had huddled over in the past and then hastily rid themselves of their children. A simple potion, painless, quick. She would never have to tell anyone, she would never have to make the all too difficult choices that lay ahead of her. She could bypass it all and no one would be the wiser. She had a choice.

Pregnant.

For now. Hermione sighed and opened her eyes. The room was brightly lit by the sun, the remnants of her potion strewn on the floor. She could tell her teachers she had felt ill this morning and that's why she had not attended classes. It was close enough to the truth. She gathered up all evidence of her activities, using a cleaning spell to get it done quicker.

"I saw you, you know,"

Hermione screeched in terror at the sudden voice and clutched her racing heart. She turned around halfway to see Moaning Myrtle setting atop one of the bathroom stall doors. She was looking at Hermione with a very curious and pleased expression.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Hermione said stiffly. But her voice was laced with fear.

"You heard me, I saw you and the potion you made. Girls always do those in here, they think no one knows. But I always see them and I always know. I know something else too," she giggled. Hermione bit her lip and clenched her teeth. Myrtle saw this and her eyes immediately lost their playful air.

"Yes, I know who you did it with. But I won't tell, I never tell. I am not a tattle-tale!" she screeched, then paused and looked Hermione over, "Will _you _tell him?"

"No, no one will know," Hermione replied. She didn't know how the ghost knew the man who sired her child, but she didn't doubt that she did.

"Ah, of course. The other girls never told either. They went to Madame Tamaya. She made sure no one knew," Myrtle gave off another high pitched giggle and floated down towards Hermione. She was dying for Hermione to ask who Madame Tamaya was.

"Who is Madame Tamaya?"

"Oh I just knew you would ask! She's the witch-doctor. A voodoo lady. You won't find any spells to kill it as good as you will hers. She charges a bundle, but I hear the girls talking, and they say it's worth it. You want to know where she is, don't you?"

"I-I…yes. If you would be so kind as to tell me,"

"She has a shop in Knockturn Alley. I think it's called The Kraken's Lair,"

"Thank you, Myrtle. And…please, please don't tell anyone. I'll be back to myself in a while, and no one needs to know," Hermione said.

"I never tell," Myrtle giggled. She was still giggling as she threw herself down the nearest toilet. She was going to go see the merpeople and watch them. Hermione sighed with relief as she left. She was so close to having it all out in the open. But Myrtle had told her about the lady, Madame Tamaya. There was a Hogsmeade trip the next weekend, Hermione figured could sneak away then. _(Authors note Okay, for those of you who are careful Hp readers, you know that this didn't happen. I had to add the Hogsmeade trip for the story's sake.) _It would be much safer to buy an already made potion then to risk getting caught making her own. That decision made, Hermione peaked out of the bathroom door to make sure she no one was around. Once she was sure the coast was clear, she quickly stepped out into the hallway. In no time at all she was in the Gryffindor Common Room.

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"Hermione, where have you been?" Ron Weasley asked curiously from his game of Wizards Chess. He and Dean Thomas were halfway through and it looked as if Ron were winning. You could tell by the scowl on Dean's face as well as the broken chess bits near him. Hermione bit back the urge to snap at Ron and instead smiled offhandedly.

"I was just out, where is Harry?" she asked, quickly changing the topic.

"Probably out stalking Malfoy again, I guess," Ron replied, entranced in his game. Hermione shook her head a little and moved up to the Girls Dorm. She was desperately tired and in need of a good nap. Today had been a very long, stressful day. She quickly dressed and crept upon her bed, snuggling in the comfort of her covers. Though she wanted to sleep, her thoughts wouldn't allow her to quite yet.

Should she tell him? Hermione wondered if he would even care. It might just cause trouble, he might be mad. She wouldn't fool herself into thinking there had been much love in their brief encounters, no, it was all lust. At least on his part. Hermione didn't know she felt for him. There was something that led her to think that perhaps she felt deeper for him then she should, but she liked to forget it. If she told him, he might insisting on her having the child. And he might take her away. The only thing worse than having a daughter, would be having her taken away. This was easier. He didn't have to know. Part of her thought that perhaps he had a right to know, but she dismissed it. This was her child, growing inside of her. And it would be her life- not his ruined by the burden. This was the only way. Hermione didn't want to think about it anymore, she closed her eyes and banished the thoughts from her mind. In a matter of minutes she was sound asleep. Hours later, when everyone else was in bed, in her sleep Hermione began to cry.

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"_And now I try hard to make it  
I just wanna make you proud  
I'm never gonna be good  
Enough for you  
I can't pretend that  
I'm alright  
And you can't change me_

Cuz we lost it all   
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry I can't be 

_Perfect   
Now it's just too late  
And we can't go back now  
I'm sorry I can't be _

_Perfect"_

_-Simple Plan Lyrics_


	3. Holy Water

_Chapter Three: Holy Water_

(January 18th) And again, just so this is clear, I had to fabricate this trip to Hogsmeade, as it didn't occur in the books.

"Oh no" Hermione's stomach lurched and she pressed a hand tightly over her mouth. The vomit rose in her throat but had no where to go, it went back down. The taste left in her throat was acidic and bitter. The room was quiet, no one heard her gags. She quietly tiptoed to the bathroom, her hand still pressed firmly over her mouth. The second she got there she flung herself onto the toilet and retched. After, she wiped her mouth and quickly did a silencing spell on the room so that none of the other girls could hear her awkward noises. Hermione laid one side of her head on the toilet seat as the vomit came back. She knew that, counting back to the last time she and he had sexual intercourse, she was a month and a week pregnant. And so she would be having morning sickness, bloating, and nausea. She took a ragged breath as the vomiting seemed to subside. Her forehead was covered in a thick coat of sweat. She wiped it off with the back of her hand then decided to take a quick bath. There was no way she was going to go to class looking the way she did. She peeked out of the bathroom then quietly gathered her uniform and book bag. When she reached the portrait for the prefects bathroom, she softly gave the password.

"Morning glory," and the portrait swung inward. She stepped into the lightly lit room and quickly took off her clothing. She tried several taps, selecting a bit of gardenia scented perfumed water and bubbles, set on low. The pool filled quickly and Hermione sighed happily as she stepped into the bubbly warm water. Once she was up to her shoulders, she plunged in. She swam around a little and ended up floating on her back. She felt content and pleased. It was amazing the miracles that a good bath could do a person. She stayed in for about an hour before she decided she'd better get out. She dried her hair with a towel, Hermione was never one to tamper with her hair much. By this time some of the students were starting to wake up, everyone was excited to go to Hogsmeade today. Well, those that could. There would be an unlucky few with detention or perhaps their parents had forgotten to sign their forms this year. She started to dry her hair quicker then threw on her uniform. She was out of the portrait just as most students were gathering in the great hall. She spotted Ron and Harry immediately and walked over to them.

"About to leave?" she asked. Ron nodded his head and smiled warmly at her. He'd been very friendly to her lately.

"Yeah, hey, where have you been?"

"Took a bath. I've got to do some shopping on my own, you two don't mind if I leave you for a while, do you?"

"Where are you going? I wouldn't mind going with you," Ron told her, probably happy at the chance to go anywhere with her. It was obvious that Ron liked her right now, but Hermione wasn't interested at the moment. Any other moment when she wasn't pregnant with another mans child, she would have been thrilled, but as it happens, circumstances called for her to not get involved in a relationship.

"I've got to pick up some books, I thought I'd spend an hour or two looking." she said, knowing Ron detested it when they shopped for books, she took forever and never spoke, just read the backs of the books and took forever. Just as she hoped, he seemed a bit down and also repulsed.

"Uh, no- err, I don't think so. No offence, but you take a long time,"

Hermione chuckled and told him that she didn't mind going alone. She didn't add that she wanted to go alone because she was really going to buy a poison to kill the small child growing in her body. She didn't want to kill Ron with a heart attack.

"All on board!" Minerva McGonogall called shrilly as the carriages pulled up and everyone piled in. It never took them long to get there, and today was a clear day so they got to Hogsmeade ahead of schedule. Their professor went over the rules one more time before relenting and letting the student's roam on their own. Hermione apologetically split from Ron and Harry, telling them that she'd be back when she was done. She walked around a corner so that she was hidden from view and took out her wand. She was going to have to apparate there. It was dangerous, Hermione didn't have her license yet. But she had no other choice. She closed her eyes, and pop! Away Hermione went. The earth lifted under her and she closed her eyes out of dizziness. She felt like throwing up again, but refrained. She was at the entrance to Knockturn Alley. It was much darker and much more frightening than Diagon Alley. She shuddered, pulled her cloak tighter around her, and stepped in. The moment she did, she gagged. The air itself was putrid and made her want to vomit right there in the streets. She knew she was pale as she continued down the way. She glanced at the store signs as she walked by. She passed several unusual stores, some for shrunken heads and voodoo dolls, and other questionable items. Suddenly a man lurched for her out of the shadows and Hermione stepped back. He was missing an eye and the muscles of the open socket worked rapidly as his good eye lingered on her.

"What'sa purty gurl like yoursef doin out here? Want some com'pny?" he asked, grinning wickedly at her. Hermione straightened her back and looked at him in his good eye, trying to ignore the empty socket with the twitching muscles that made her want to vomit again.

"No, and if you touch me one time I will see to it that you lose your other eye," she spoke calmly and dangerously. The old man blinked at her than grinned.

"'Nother time then, luv," he said, then snickered and walked back into the gloomy shadows he came from. Hermione shivered and kept walking. She had just spotted the sign to the store when she saw someone leaving it. She quickly pressed herself against the nearest wall, so that she was covered in darkness. She recognized the girl leaving the store, it was Pansy Parkinson. What was she doing there? Hermione started to wonder, then chuckled coldly. Why was she herself here? Pansy must be there for the same reason. She wondered who Pansy had been with that got her pregnant. Probably Draco Malfoy. From what Hermione knew, him and Pansy were pretty close. She watched the girl leave with watchful eyes. Once she was gone, Hermione took a deep breath and walked into the store herself.

A bell sounded somewhere in the back of the store as Hermione opened the door. She was surprised at how little the store seemed to offer. A few decks of tarot cards, crystal balls, the place seemed like a legitimate fortune telling business. There was a beaded curtain enchanted to float temptingly over a doorway towards the back but- wait! Wouldn't it make sense to have the business back there? With nervous, shaky steps, Hermione walked over to the beads. She put her hands together, like for a prayer, and pushed them into the beads, then spread them apart, parting them. The red glittering beads closed behind her as she let them go. Yes, this must be the pace Madame Tamaya did her business. Potions were stacked in an organized manner on shelves across the small room. In the middle sat a round table with a velvet cloth over it, a crystal ball sat atop it. A velvet chair with some blankets sat next to the table, and a comfortable looking stool opposite the chair across the table. Hermione peered closer when, to her surprise, the blankets moved. A small African woman stared at Hermione from under a hood. She had multiple piercing- six on each eyebrow in the shape of little bones were what Hermione noticed first. She also had her ears pierced an uncountable amount of times, as well as a few through her nose and two on her lips. Curious looking tattoos were dotted across her face, giving her a mysterious and grotesque look. Her deep black eyes met Hermione's inquisitive ones and she smiled toothily at her.

"Set don, deah," she said, motioning to the stool across from her with her hand. The hand, was covered in rings and baubles. Hermione did so nervously, and then stared shamefacedly at the table.

"I heard, uh, that you could help me," she said softly. The woman looked at her and leaned closer to Hermione.

"Look into my eyes chil'," she said. Hermione heard the command and lifted her face to the older woman's. For a minute she was lost in the deep black eyes, then they blinked and Hermione felt some burden being lifted from her.

"Ya are wit chil'," she said simply. Hermione nodded her head, afraid that if she started talking she would cry. The woman took one of Hermione's hands in hers and turned it over to read it. Hermione did not protest, she did not believe in such things anyways and it wouldn't hurt to amuse the woman.

"Can you help me?" Hermione asked in a soft voice. Madame Tamaya's eyes softened and she traced Hermione's hand with one of her long black nails.

"Aye, I will help. Ya wanna be rid of it?" she asked.

"Yes,"

"Aye. Canna I ask why?" Tamaya asked. Hermione looked up at her, slightly confused. Was she trying to discourage her from taking a potion?

"Because I am young, I have much to do and I have a future. She would ruin it," she told her. The old woman noticed Hermione referred to her unborn as "she" but Tamaya already knew Hermione was with a daughter and not a son.

"Aye, and whatta de man?" she asked, referring to whom was the father. Hermione bit her lip and turned her eyes back to the table.

"I don't know. He doesn't know, and I am not going to tell him,"

"Luv'd him?" she asked. Hermione had to think about it before she answered. It was a question she had often asked herself late at night, one that made sure she could not sleep.

"No, I don't think so. It was lust. And I am sure he has no feelings for me,"

"Ah, an act of lust. Many many gurls come to Madame Tamaya wit their problems. Sum come to rid of chil', sum wanna luv potion for their man, but all come for my help. An' I give it to 'em. But only if theys really want it deep in their heart. I read ya palm, I see ya heart. You don wanna do dis," she whispered. Hermione stared at her in shock and shook her head. She tried to grab her hand back, but the woman held on firmly.

"No, I want to do this!" she half yelled. Madame Tamaya shook her head and held onto the girls hand. She waited until Hermione had calmed down before she spoke.

"Aye, if ya wish it," she said softly. She released Hermione's hand and walked over to her potions. She selected a very small green glass bottle. She handed it to Hermione and watched her. The girl took the bottle hesitantly. Once it was in her palm, it weighted heavily there. Hermione forgot the older woman's presence and closed her eyes. She was pregnant and about to kill her unborn child.

There was a child inside of her, growing. A fetus struggling for life, struggling inside of her body for the day that it would break free, then grow. Grow into a person, a human. Would she be a witch? Or a squib? She wondered what kind of a future her daughter would have. There was so much to think about. Would she tell her about her father? Would she keep her? Would she tell anyone? What would she do?

Hermione unconsciously laid a hand on her stomach, a gesture that would be frequent later on. She glanced down at the bottle, heavier in her hand. She was committing murder, she was killing a part of her. This child was half of herself, half of him. She would be the only proof that something had happened between Hermione and him. She was a product of their lust, should she lose her life for Hermione's mistake? Hermione pressed her lips together and then sighed. She handed Madame Tamaya the bottle back.

"I cannot do it. You were right. This child is a part of me, my mistake. I will not blame her for what I have done. I can't kill something so much of me,"

"You will have this child, and great things will happen because of it," Madame Tamaya said softly. Hermione did not notice the lack of accent, nor the sudden clarity in the woman's eyes. She was crying softly into her hands. Suddenly she stood up, she had to get out of there.

"T-thank you. I am very glad you helped me change my mind," she said, then walked quickly out of the room. The woman watched the young girl, already mentally a woman, walk out of the room. The girl had many hardships she would have to face, many trials and sorrow. But there would be much love afterwards. There was something told to all Gypsies (for that is obviously what Madame Tamaya was). A child conceived by enemies would bring about much greatness. It brought people together, it made peace. This child sired by Dragon and born by Lion would indeed bring about much joy.

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"You were gone longer than I thought you would be," Ron told Hermione as she caught up with him and Harry at The Three Broomsticks. She paled slightly, but neither boy noticed. She sat down causally beside Harry and pulled a fake yawn.

"I ended up getting sidetracked. Gosh I'm tired," she said. Harry looked at her with concern in his eyes.

"Do you want to go ahead and go back?" he asked. Hermione shook her head and pretended to sigh.

"No, you should have fun. I think I'll go ahead and head back though, I'll be fine," she said. Harry started to protest but she silenced him. "No, really, I'll be fine. You two have fun, okay?" They eventually relented and Hermione rode back to Hogwarts in one of the carriages, she told McGonagall that she was sick. The first thing she did when she got back was to go to the Girl's bathroom. Myrtle wasn't there, but then again, no one would see her for a while if she was. Hermione waited, and when no one came out, she figured she was alone. She sighed and set down so her back was to the sink. So many memories she had of this place. Not only were there memories of Him, but the Chamber of Secrets, and the polyjuice potion that Harry, Ron, and her had made in their second year. Hermione smiled, remembering. So many memories. The ones she remembered most however, were the ones of Him. She remembered the first time she had met him in here. He had been startled by her appearance, so startled that he was kind to her. Well, as kind as he could be. He had been crying, and she asked him why. She'd been in an argument with Ron earlier that day, she had come to cry herself. She didn't remember how they started talking, but they did. And then, he kissed her. She'd been so surprised she'd opened her mouth to say something. And of course that led to more things, which led to more things, which led to her being pregnant. She smiled and actually suppressed a giggle. It was so forbidden, so wrong. But that's why they both wanted it. It was deliciously satisfying to be with someone who was forbidden from you. Now, not literately, but socially the two were an odd pair. Unrealistic was perhaps a better word. But here, in this room, they were equal lovers. Sometimes after they made love, he would tell her about his dreams and fears. Those were the moments she loved best, when he would lay on her and she would run her fingers through his soft hair. She would kiss his eyes and watch him fall asleep. Then he would wake up, and they would go back to their lives. It hurt her some, but not as much as it should have. Hermione wasn't a fool, she knew there was no love there. It was lust, pure and simple. But she had to admit (and he would too) that they shared an emotional bond, though not love. He confided into her and she in him, and they were connected. But not now. They broke it off abruptly, their whirlwind affair ended as suddenly as it began. She could still remember the harsh things he said to her. He'd called her a mudblood whore and told her that she was nothing to him, and he was done with her. He'd called her a good lay, and tossed a galleon at her. She'd flushed the coin down the commode later on. It had hurt her so much, but she had never let on. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her pain.

And now, she was bearing his child. Their child. Hermione wondered if she would look like him. When she looked into her daughters eyes, would she see him or herself? It was those questions that bothered Hermione the most.

What was she going to do? Hermione made a mental note to check out pregnancy clinics. She knew of a 7th year the year before who had gone to one when she was pregnant. Perhaps Hermione could go to that one. In the morning maybe, she was awfully tired now. She barley made it into the common room when the students started coming back. She was in bed when they actually came in, no one bothered her. She could hear laughter down stairs and she knew they were chatting merrily. Hermione buried her face in her pillow and sighed. She couldn't cry, she wouldn't let herself. Perhaps the pregnancy was making her so emotional. The other girls came up later on and they fell asleep rather quickly. It took Hermione a while to drift off, but tonight when she slept, she did not cry.

----------------

"Somewhere there's a stolen halo  
I use to watch her wear it well  
Everything would shine wherever she would go  
But looking at her now you'd never tell

Someone ran away with her innocence  
A memory she can't get out of her head  
I can only imagine what she's feeling  
When she's praying  
Kneeling at the edge of her bed"

-Big and Rich Lyrics

* * *

I love love love love feedback. Everyone who has reviewed, I appreciate you so much! And for the courious ones who want to know about the father...well he won't play a huge rold of the story and won't really come up till the end. But you'll deffinatley find out who he is later. I've written up to chapter six so far, but am going to update weekly. It's easier for me so that in case I don't have time to write a chapter at some point, then I can upload one of my already written ones. I hope you like this very much and review :) 


	4. A Victim of the Game

_Chapter Four: Victim of the game_

(February 7th) For the sake of my fanfic, I'm saying that Harry got the Felix Felicis potion in February. So pretend that he did please?

Hermione had awoken yet again to nausea and vomiting that morning, and she felt completely miserable setting in potions class. Harry and Ron were beside her, listening intently as Professor Slughorn outlined the Euphoria Elixir. She was hardly paying attention and was quite surprised when Harry tapped her on her arm to tell her that they were going to start the potion. She shook her head to clear her mind and sighed as she walked over to the cauldron assigned to her. Ron had already began- and messed up his potion. He was working furiously to right the problem as Slughorn tried to assist him. Harry, she noticed, had made excellent progress. Of course he had his cheat-book. It irked Hermione terribly that she worked her arse off in class to get top marks, and Harry cheated. What more, he found no guilt in it. She sighed and concentrated on her potion, putting in the right ingredients at the right times and stirring them the right way. In no time at all, she had a slightly pale yellow potion to show for her effort. Harry's was a brilliant sun- yellow, Ron's was blue. Hermione shook her head and smiled a little. Poor Ron. Suddenly Hermione had an idea. The professor would be giving a bit of the Felix Felicis potion away. She'd heard the pervious class talking about it. If course he'd probably give it to Harry. He favored Harry- that irked Hermione. Many things bothered her these days, she fully blamed her pregnancy. She was two months along and miserable. She'd snap at anyone for anything, then be apologizing and begging forgiveness the next second. Oh, look at her, losing her thoughts! Hermione chided herself then cautiously picked up an empty vial. She quietly walked over to the golden potion and filled up her small vial full with it. She quickly capped it and hid it in her robes. Of course everyone was too busy with their potions to notice her act. She wanted it come time for her birth, she would need all the luck she could get. Later, when Slughorn handed Harry his precious vial of gold, Hermione smiled mysteriously. Harry was not the only one with luck today.

------------------

(February 16th)

"Hermione, are you okay?" Ron Weasley asked her as they sat down in the great hall for breakfast a little over a week later. She'd been acting plain strange lately. He'd sworn he'd seen her stuffing something in her robes in potions the other day and he could tell she wasn't feeling well. He'd been worried about her.

"Oh yes, I'm fine, why?" I just have a bloody baby inside of me. Everything's spiffy.

"You seem sick or something. I've been worried," Ron told her, his blue eyes filled with concern. Hermione sighed and brought her attention to focus. She'd been snapping at him far too much lately. It was very sweet for Ron to be concerned with her.

"I'm fine, I promise. Probably just overworking, that's all," she told him. Ron eyed her questioningly but relented. He didn't believe her excuse, but he wasn't going to argue with her about it.

"Alright, but tell me if anything's bothering you. You can always talk to me, okay?"

"Yes Ron, I will." Hermione said, smiling a little. Ron was about to say more when the hall's tables filled with breakfast. Of course, being male, and Ronald Weasley, the sight of food stopped him. Hermione suppressed a chuckle and eyed the food herself. She was awfully hungry. Hadn't she just eaten a huge late night snack the night before though? She hardly ever ate breakfast. But right now she felt ravenous. Hermione grabbed a plate and heaped it with any food that looked appealing to her. Pancakes, of course. She had always loved a good buttery pancake. Then she added two strawberry waffles, a nice helping of hash browns, a couple sausage patties, three poppy seed muffins, and a bit of biscuits and gravy. Ron and Harry watched her as she added to her already mountainous plate and started at her in awe.

"Hermione I thought you didn't like poppy seed muffins," Harry said, eying the three she'd picked and put in her plate. Hermione looked at them for a moment in puzzlement. True, she never had liked them much. But for some reason she was really craving them today.

"Well I think I should be a little open minded about them. Their not so bad," she replied, taking the opportunity to actually stuff one in her mouth. The delicious slightly lemon muffin dissolved in her mouth sweetly. She sighed and reached for a sausage patty. Ron outright laughed and shook his head as he helped himself to some toast and jam. Hermione really didn't eat enough as she should, so he supposed this was her making up for all the past light meals she'd had.

"What are you laughing at?" Hermione asked him, horrified. Ron smiled and shook his head again.

"Nothing, you're just eating a lot, that's all. I think it's good for you. You've been looking a little pale anyways lately," he told her. At this Hermione's face turned red and her eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Ronald Weasley, are you calling me fat?" she asked icily.

Ron hastily shook his head, "No Mione, you're not fat, I was just-" he began.

"You were calling me fat is what you were doing! I can't believe you. Can't I eat a meal in peace around here? Merlin! I've got better things to do then set here and listen to myself being made fun of," Hermione shouted, picking up her plate and walking out of the great hall in an angry huff. Several people had watched her display and were looking curiously at Ron and Harry. Harry was laughing so hard he had to clutch his stomach. Ron however was quiet and watched Hermione's retreating back. What the heck was that for? He hadn't meant a thing by his comment and she knew it. Whatever was with Hermione all of a sudden, he didn't like it one bit.

-----------

Hermione sighed in frustration as she walked out of the girls dorm. She'd wasted far too much time eating her enormous breakfast and had forgotten that her appointment at Helena's Home. It was a haven and hospital for pregnant girls in various situations. Or so said the pamphlet she'd received in the mail after owling them two days before. Her appointment was at ten, and it was already nine forty five! Hermione chided herself and hurriedly grabbed a handful of floo powder from her small case of it (she always had a bit around for emergency's) and quickly threw it into the fireplace in the common room.

"To Helena's Home!" she shouted into the flames. In no time at all she was transported to a very nicely furnished waiting room. Hermione coughed and fought down another bit of nausea. Her head was spinning painfully and her stomach fighting against her willpower to retch. After waiting a minute and letting herself calm down, she looked around her. She was indeed in a waiting room, as she'd first perceived. There were several comfy looking couches as well as a table full of magazines. The walls were plastered with images of children and images of fetus's at their different stages. Interested, Hermione peered closer. Suddenly there was a tap on her shoulder and she jumped back in fright. Standing behind her was a slightly over weight, blonde middle aged witch. She was wearing what appeared to be official blue hospital gowns and was smiling at Hermione.

"Miss Granger?" she asked pleasantly. Hermione nodded her head, wondering how this woman knew her name.

"I am Laddie Fishes, it's very nice to meet you Miss Granger. And what a lovely name you have! If it weren't for the dear man I married to get my surname, I would be properly ashamed of mine. But your's is lovely. You are perfectly on time for your appointment. Would you like to stay here a while or would you like to go ahead and get on with your examination?" Laddie asked, her clipboard positioned at her hip. Hermione smiled warmly, she liked this woman very much.

"I think now would be fine." she told her. Laddie led her to a very small and nice looking room and asked her to please set on the examination table.

"Now, I'm sure you've never done this before, so all of this might seem like a bit much for you. Do you have any questions to begin with?" She asked. Hermione said she really didn't, but would like to go ahead and start so she could return to school. Laddie smiled and pulled her clipboard in front of her.

"Aright. Lets see, I have to start with a few questions first. Are you sure that you are pregnant?"

"Yes,"

"Good, what did you do to determine this?"

"I performed a pregnancy potion myself," Hermione told her, slightly ashamed. She knew she should have gone to a medical facility to find out, but she didn't want the embarrassment. Laddie seemed to understand, she didn't press her at all. Hermione didn't know that this woman had seen far worse negligence from soon to be mothers.

"Okay, now these questions are a bit embarrassing. But don't worry, whatever goes on here is confidential. Were you raped, or did you willingly commit to sexual intercourse?"

"I was willing, unfortunately,"

"No, that's not unfortunate. You have no idea the number of rape victims we get. You're very lucky that your child w conceived willingly and not against your will. But anyways, how many times did you have sexual intercourse?"

"I suppose it was five times, counting the first,"

"Did you use protection?"

"No, I didn't even think about it before hand,"

"A lot of people don't, but you definitely should have. I'll be giving you a pamphlet on contraceptives when you leave. Have you been with more than one partner?"

"No, just him,"

"That's good, takes care of the whole 'who is the father' issue. So I assume you know who the father is?"

"Yes,"

"Would you like that information to remain confidential or would you like to reveal who he is?"

"Confidential please,"

"That's fine. I do suggest that you inform him though. Some father's want joint custody, or want a say in what happens to their child. Any history of genetic disorders in your family? His?"

"No, definitely not in mine. And I am fairly sure not in his either,"

"Good. This next question is very important, but hard sometimes for girls to answer. Have you ever been sexually or physically abused? And if so, was it by your partner?"

"Oh no, never. He was kind to me, when we were together,"

"I really don't like asking that question, but the hospital has to know in case there's a chance the baby might be harmed. Do you know how far along you are?"

"Yes, about eleven weeks. She was conceived on the first of December,"

"You must be having trouble with morning sickness then?"

"Yes, every morning I wake up to it,"

"That's as bad as it gets, besides the actual birth. It'll fade in a month or so. I can send you some pills with you when you leave that might help though. Now, I have to ask, any STDs?"

"No,"

"Him?"

"I don't think so. But I don't know for sure. I wasn't his only…" Hermione couldn't finish without beginning to cry. This was all so much for her. Laddie saw her tears and looked at her softly.

"It is not easy to be a single mother. Especially if the father of your child isn't a part of your life any longer. If you ever need any advice, please be sure to contact me," Laddie told her, tearing off a piece of paper and writing her address on it. "As for your questions, I only have one more. What are you going to do with the child?"

Hermione thought about this question, as she had every night since she became pregnant, "I think I will give her up for adoption. I am too young to be a suitable mother, and with no father…I don't think it would work. She is better off with people who can care for her."

"That's a good choice. Many teenage mothers choose that. Well Hermione, it looks like we're done here. Come back in a week and we'll do a proper physical examination. Until then please fill out these questions and owl them to the institution. And good luck!" The woman told her, smiling. She then left the room, having to attend to another patient. Hermione watched her go, feeling much better than when she had come. She grabbed the questionnaire as well as the pamphlets that Laddie left for her. Then used the floo powder to get back to Hogwarts. Back to school, back to her pretend life.

-------------

"You know it's really gettin' to you

When you take to tellin' lies

And you can try to fool your friends

But you can't look 'em in the eyes

There ain't no standin' tall

In the shadow of the shame

When everybody knows

That you're a victim of the game"

-Garth Brooks Lyrics


	5. Kryptonite

_Chapter Five: Kryptonite _

(March 1st)

Hermione groaned in disgust as she looked at herself in the full length mirror in front of her. She was in her third month and had gained over fifteen pounds. Her diet now ranged from five to six meals a day, with snacking in between. She felt like a blimp, and was beginning to look like one to match. She sighed and patted her belly in a semi- protective manner. She was beginning to show. Hermione turned to her side and glanced at her mirror's image. Yes, she was most definitely beginning to show. Her belly was slightly larger through her uniform. Of course the change was more noticeable when she was naked, but thankfully no one saw her that way so it wasn't that obvious.

She smoothed down her hair and gently touched her swollen breasts. They were very painful, especially at night. Hermione was used to sleeping on her stomach but couldn't do so any longer. She knew that her breasts were beginning to prepare for paths to run milk through. The only plus side of this agonizing process, was that they were larger. Hermione smiled a little at that, thinking how funny it was for to even think of that as a plus.

Right now things were actually pretty easy, she knew they would get harder. Her second trimester would be when she would really begin to show, and she would have to apply concealment charms daily. At least the vomiting would be done by then though. The pills that Laddie had given her worked okay, but she still woke up often with the urge to puke.

Well, however fat she was at the moment, she still had to go downstairs. It was Ron's birthday and she was dying to get him the gift she'd picked out for him. She usually got him books, but over the years she began to realize that despite her most desperate wishes, Ron was not a reader. So this year she'd taken the time to get him something she thought he'd actually want. It was a very excellent Wizards Chess set. Hermione had had to send off for it in the post, and it was very expensive. The pieces were made of thick crystal, and guaranteed to always fix themselves after a play. The most remarkable thing about it however were the personalized touches that Hermione herself had added. It had taken her two days, but she had personalized it as a Gryffindor chess set. Half the pieces were now a deep ruby-like crimson, the other half a shining gold. The board was checkered likewise. It was also charmed so that the pieces would emit a lions war when they dealt a blow to another, ad well as enchanted so that the pieces were more likely to be trusting of the owner of the board, and less of the opponent. So it was a bit of a cheat, but the enchantment could wear after a while. She had added that as an afterthought, thinking that perhaps it would make up for the canary incident she had inflicted upon Ron earlier in the year. Not that he had been entirely innocent, but she could rightfully say that most of her anger was her moodiness from her pregnancy, and not his actions with Lav-Lav. Hermione picked up the board- wrapped neatly in red and gold paper of course and headed downstairs.

--------------

"What?" Hermione asked Ginny, pale and suddenly weak in her knees. Ginny took a deep breath and explained to her friend again.

"Ron's in the infirmary, he's been poisoned. I think Harry saved him, but he's still not well," she said softly. Ginny knew that Hermione cared deeply for Ron, probably more than as a friend, and she knew that she was very shocked by the turn of events.

"Can I see him?" Hermione asked weekly. Ginny shook her head and explained that Madame Pomfry wasn't letting anyone in at the moment.

"I am going to see him," Hermione stated, her eyes ablaze with fierce determination. Ginny stepped back and decided to go ahead and let Hermione go. She wouldn't be allowed in, but she was not about to stop Hermione either. She followed her friend as she marched up to the infirmary's doors.

"Excuse me Miss. Granger, but no visitors at the moment. Come back in an hour or so." the well-wishing nurse told her.

"I am here to see Ronald Weasley and I demand to see him!" Hermione cried, pointing angrily at the closed door. Madame Pomfry took Hermione's hand and led her to away to a room with several chairs. Hermione tried to jerk her hand free, but the woman's grip was tight and she found that she could not.

"Have a seat please, you can see Mr. Weasley soon," she told the distraught girl softly. Hermione just glared at her in anger and made a rather crude gesture at her retreating back with her finger. Ginny saw this and smiled.

"Are you okay?" she asked Hermione.

"No, I am not. What if he dies? What if he isn't okay? And to think that the last things I said to him were so horrible…" Hermione started crying. She pulled up her knees to her chest and buried her face in them to hide her sobs. Tears dribbled slowly down her face and onto her lap. She didn't notice Ginny setting down beside her, or that the girl began to pat her back softly. A drop fell in her head and she looked up to see tear's in Ginny's eyes.

"Oh Ginny, don't cry!" she exclaimed.

"Bother, I can't help it. With you crying I couldn't help but cry," Ginny replied, dabbing at her eyes roughly with her sleeve. Hermione laughed, one of those dramatic laughs half nerves and sat up straighter. Her and Ginny looked at one another and smiled. It was unspoken, but strictly understood that neither would ever bring up this moment again. Just then Pomfry entered the room, a scowl on her face.

"Mr. Potter has requested your presence on the behalf of Mr. Weasley. I would never allow such a violation of my rules, but the headmaster has condoned it. You have fifteen minutes exactly," she told them, sniffling slightly. It was quite obvious that she wasn't used to having her authority questioned, much less thrown aside. Hermione jumped from her seat in positive glee and ran to the infirmary. She threw open the doors with a dreadful bang that made the nurse wince, and ran to Ron's bed. He was setting up, pale, but alive. Harry was by his side looking very amused, and both were staring at her.

"Oh Ron! Thank Merlin you're safe!" Hermione exclaimed dramatically, throwing herself across Ron's chest and hugging him so hard he would say the next that he swore his ribs had been cracked.

"Mi-knee," he said between her loving grip of death. Hermione backed away and stared at him with tears in her big brown eyes. Eyes that Ron found to be quite lovely at that moment.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything? You're positively freezing! Poor Ronald, I'll get you another blanket," Hermione said, walking over to the bed beside Ron's where a second year was watching her display with much interest.

"Do you need this?" she asked, grabbing the blanket off the now stunned boy before he even had a chance to reply. He clutched the thin sheet she left him as if she was going to steal that one too, but she turned back to the boy beside her, and he relaxed his grip.

"Here, Ron," Hermione said, throwing the thick quilt over his body. She began tucking it in and patting it down when she noticed everyone's silence. Ron was gaping at her as if she were mad, and Harry was barley containing his laughter. She scowled and threw her hands up in the air in defeat.

"What? What is it?" she asked angrily. Harry just smiled and told her to set down. She did so hesitatingly after checking that Ron had a full cup of water by his side.

"Miss me much?" Ron teased, noticing with glee how her face began to flush slightly. Perhaps she did care for him, in an odd over-bearing kind of way.

"A bit, I suppose," she admitted, smiling as he grinned at her. It felt so nice to be on good terms with him again. She grabbed his hand without thinking and looked at his face seriously for a moment, "Ron I thought you were dead. Gosh I feel so horrible for the awful way I've been acting lately,"

"Oh Hermione, don't feel bad. I've been acting like a prat too. It's just that Lavender's been bothering me and maybe I've taken it out on you. Forgive me?" he asked, knowing that she would.

"Of course," Hermione said, her day improving immensely as she registered his annoyance with Lavender. She smiled as she patted his hand and listened to Harry discuss the events that led to his being poisoned. It seemed all too soon that Pomfrey returned, saying that the fifteen minutes were up and that Harry and herself must leave while Ron's family visited. She took a quick look at Ron behind her before the nurse closed the doors to prevent them from coming back, and flushed warmly when he winked at her. She started her way back feeling much better than she had felt all day.

Her mood dropped as she walked past the great hall. Pansy Parkinson was standing near the Slytherin table, entangled in the arms of Draco Malfoy. The two were practically unidentifiable as two distinct people. Okay, slight exaggeration. Pansy had her arms thrown around Malfoy's neck and her hands were entangled in his hair. His hands were in several inappropriate places, his knee was pressed against her groin. Hermione watched the heated make out session for a minute before moving on. She was feeling a great mix of emotions. Of course the first was disgust that the pair would have such a heated open display of affection in a public area, but she also felt a bit sad. Well not sad exactly, but perhaps sympathetic. She wondered if Malfoy knew about the child that had been inside of Pansy's just weeks earlier. Had he asked her to rid herself of it? Had she protested? Or had she been willing? Hermione began to wonder what her own child's father would have done in Malfoy's place. Her thoughts were deep as she walked into the common room. She entered the Gryffindor portrait to find Lavender surrounded by her friends, tearful and whimpering. Padma offered her a box of chocolates to help aid her friend's woes, but Lavender looked away and motioned for them to be removed.

"Oh Ron," she groaned, slumping down in a dramatic flair. The girl muttered their condolences and assured her that Ron was going to be just fine, and of course he missed her immensely at the moment and would request to see her the moment that he opened his eyes. It was at this moment that Lavender noticed Hermione's presence. She had tried to make it up the stairs to the girls dorm as quickly as she could, but obviously wasn't sneaky enough. She was caught.

"Did you hear about my poor Ron?" Lavender asked sadly. There was, however, a challenge to her tone. She would be very glad to be the first to relate the news to Ron's best friend. Hermione was always too close to her Ron for Lavender's comfort. Hermione smiled sadly and sighed.

"Oh yes, I'm afraid that I did-" she began. Two things happened at that moment- Ginny walked in, and Lavender interrupted Hermione.

"That wench Pomfrey isn't letting me into see my baby! Can you believe it? The horror! Poor Ronnykins is probably setting there, wondering where I am, missing me dreadfully!" Lavender exclaimed, her voice rising higher and higher with each word. Parvati patted her hand and nodded sympathetically.

"He'll ask to see you, don't worry, that woman can't come in the way of you're love. The second he wakes up, you'll be there," she comforted. Ginny raised her eyebrow and had to concentrate to hold back a chuckle.

"Did Ron to back to sleep?" she asked, waiting for Lavender to bite her bait. She wasn't disappointed.

"Back to sleep? He was awake? Did you see my poor baby?" she asked hysterically. Hermione covered her mouth with her hand, barley able to suppress a nasty retort. Though she was resolved to not hate anyone, she really loathed Lavender sometimes.

"Oh yes, I saw Ron right after Hermione did," Ginny said.

"What? Pomfrey let you in? Hermione?" Lavender was confused. Hermione had seen Ron before she had?

"Yes, I went in after Ron requested that Hermione see him. Harry was already there, then the family got to visit. He didn't ask for you? Oh my, I thought he would have. How insensitive of me," Ginny said, smirking slightly. She turned to go up the stairs, having to give a stunned Hermione a small nudge before she began moving as well.

"Why did you do that?" Hermione asked her once they reached the Girl's Dorm. Ginny chuckled and made a disgusted face.

"I can't stand that girl. I hope that she thinks Ron hates her and breaks up with him," she answered. Hermione stared at her bold friend and laughed out loud. She said goodnight to Ginny as she went to the 5th year girl's dorm. She took her time getting undressed and putting on her soft night gown. She should remember to look up a way to conceal her pregnancy in the next few days. As she climbed into bed, she couldn't help but allow her persistent thoughts to travel once again to her daughter's father. Watching Malfoy and Pansy made her feel like perhaps she should tell her own baby's father about their child. Their daughter was half of him, didn't he deserve to know? On impulse Hermione got up and grabbed a book, a piece of parchment, and a Muggle pen. She started to draft a letter to him, the paper on top of the book to provide a hard surface, and the pen in her hand.

"_I have something to tell you. I need to tell you something. I'm with child pregnant. I know the child is your's. I don't know what"_

Hermione crumpled the unfinished letter and threw it in the rubbish bin next to her bed. It was no good. She wouldn't send it anyways, she couldn't. She was scared. Her eyes began to fill up as she remembered their relationship. Without thinking she picked up her pen and began to write again.

_I don't know how to begin this letter, I don't know what to say. I can't help but remember when we first began our relationship- if you can call it that. I didn't expect anything from you, you should know that. I was content to be with you for just the small precious bit of time we had together. I was so surprised that you wanted me, even more surprised when you began to confide in me. Do you too still remember those nights when you lay your head on my chest and told me your dreams? I can't forget them. And believe me, I do try. I wasn't devastated when you ended us, I had seen it coming. I started our affair knowing that it was going to end. But I was hurt, I have to admit that. And I suppose I am still hurt. But I remember the blissful days with you, and I forget the hurt and feel only longing. Yes, I still long for you. Do you ever long for me? I don't believe that you do. When you told me you hated me, I believed that. And now… now I'm pregnant with your child. Yes, our unborn creation is growing and beginning life within me. Sometimes I want to tell you this, but I am afraid. I know you won't do the right thing and marry me for our daughter's sake. You aren't that kind of man. I gave up my dreams of fairy tales, happy endings, and nights in shining white armor a long time ago. You might hate me as well as her, condemn us both, perhaps you would force me to abort our child. But more than that, I am afraid that you would want her for yourself. You would want to raise her and you would poison her mind with your world of blood and hate. I just don't know what to do. She is the only proof that there was passion ever between us._

_I wonder what I will tell her. If I will keep her. Shall I tell her about her father? That he was a good man? A bad man, the product of an affair or lust? Or will I not tell her anything? I don't want this responsibility, I don't want to have to make these decisions. I want to throw them into the wind and watch them float away. I don't want to have to face them. I don't want to wake up ten years from now and realize that I've made the worst mistake of my life. Oh Merlin, I hope I am ding the right thing. I'm too young for this. This shouldn't have happened to me._

_I miss you, I hate to admit it, but I do. I miss your touch, your kiss, your breath in my hair. But I don't miss your hurtful cold eyes, or your painful words. I wonder how I got myself into this, how I let things go the way that they did. I should have been smarter, more careful. Perhaps I should have never allowed us to happen in the first place. But I did allow it to happen and I must reap the consequences. This is our mistake, and I will bear it with as much dignity as I can. I will be strong and do this alone, without your help. Not that you would be of much help anyways. We're two condemned souls, trapped within our sins. The sinner part of me wants you still. But the mother part of me, the part of me that will give birth to our child, doesn't want anything to do with you ever again. That part of me wins. I will remember you with your fleeting sweetness, your constant anger, and your part in creating my daughter. But no more that that._

_-Hermione_

She folded the letter three times and placed it in the bottom of her trunk. She wouldn't send it, but keep it always as a reminder. Hermione walked into her bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. She wished more than anything that she were eleven years old. Just at Hogwarts, happy, innocent. She wouldn't have to worry about any of this. But she wasn't eleven, happy, or innocent. And she had to worry about all of this. But she was strong and she would make it, like she always did.

------------------

"You called me strong, you called me weak,  
But still your secrets I will keep  
You took for granted all the times I  
Never let you down  
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if  
Not for me then you would be dead  
I picked you up and put you back  
On solid ground"

-3 Doors Down lyrics

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Thank you so much for reviewing :) It's been really hard for me to find time to write, things are crazy right now. I'm just about ready to pull out all my hair from school stress, and I just got three newborn kittens I'm having to raise till their old enough that we can give them away. It was really a surprise that was got them, but now we have to take care of them. I've also got my birthday comming up :) Just saying! lol. And of course tons and tons of homework. Urgh. Well I'll have anew chapter up next week, no fear. Because I already have it written. I'm also writing more in Gender Changing Toffees (my other fic, a humor one). I've almost got Chapter Ten of that one done and am planning to finish the story soon. Yay :) Well keep on reviewing, the reviews make my day :)

-Emily


	6. Always on Your Side

_Chapter Six: Always on your side_

(March 17th)

Hermione sighed and pushed her blueberry waffle to the side of her plate. She'd just polished off an incredibly large amount of food and felt positively ill. She had gained a total of twenty pounds since becoming pregnant, and felt like a whale. But the good thing was that no one else noticed her gain in the least bit, she'd made sure of that. Since she was entering her fourth month soon, she'd gone ahead and applied a concealment charm on herself. The result made her feel a bit more queasy- not in a morning sickness way, she was beyond that. The only proper way for her to explain it would be to say that it is sort of similar the feeling that one gets from running an incredibly long amount of time and getting nausea afterwards. The additional back pain- which to be honest, she'd been having for a while now, didn't help any either.

Needless to say, she wasn't feeling the least bit comfortable. As if she didn't have enough to deal with, being pregnant and all, she had Apparition lessons in Hogsmeade that day. Of course on top of that, she had Harry's odd obsession with Malfoy- becoming more and more concerning lately, and Harry's extra lessons with Dumbledore to think about. It was enough for her to just about decide to tell the world to bugger off and leave her out of it. But of course she restrained her irritation and frustration and managed to calm down. She was so immersed in her thoughts that she forgot entirely that Ron and Harry were across from her, until Harry said her name.

"Mmmhmm?" she asked him lazily, not really paying much attention.

"Do you think you'll be ready for your test? Since this is your last practice and all," he repeated himself. Hermione sighed and set her fork down, sick of pushing her food around on her plate.

"Of course. It's just an apparition test; it's not as if it's N.E.W.T.S or something. Why are you so pale Ron?" she asked, just noticing how bloodless and white Ron appeared.

"Why am I pale? Why am I pale!? Because I'm going to fail. I just know it. Even Fred and George passed, but I know that I'm going to fail!"

"If you think like that, of course you will," Hermione replied tartly. Ron gaped at her in disbelief at her lack of encouragement.

"How can you be so cruel?" he asked hurtfully. Hermione smiled and chuckled at his serious face.

"Oh Ron, this is only a practice! As for the test, it's going to be fine. You're going to pass then scold yourself for not believing that you would. Just be optimistic about it," she said.

Ron snorted and rolled his eyes, "Yeah. If you just believe in yourself it'll happen. Whatever. I'm going to die," he finished. Beside him, Harry scowled and furrowed his eyebrows crossly.

"At least you're going," he muttered quietly. Hermione instantly felt sorry for her friend. Harry would not be seventeen and so could not go to the practice with her and Ron.

She pulled her muscles into a bright smile, "Come on Harry, it won't be so bad. There'll be others who can't go. Maybe you can even find time to study or do some homework," she said, all too aware how fake her voice sounded.

"Thanks Hermione, I'm sure it'll be loads of fun doing my homework," he replied sarcastically, watching some of the sixth years getting ready to leave for Hogsmeade.

"There's no need for you to get all-" Hermione began but stopped, for Harry had sat up abruptly and his eyes were suddenly very bright and interested.

"Is Malfoy going?" he asked. Goyle and Crabbe were getting ready to go at the Slytherin table, but Malfoy was walking away from them and out of the Great Hall. Hermione thought about it and realized that the blonde Slytherin couldn't attend the practice because like Harry, his birthday was in the summer.

"Well, no, I suppose he isn't. Oh Harry you aren't going to and stalk him again, are you?"

"What if I am? It's a good opportunity," he said absentmindedly, staring at the retreating form of Draco Malfoy. "Hey I'll see you two later, have fun and don't get spliced," he told them. Hermione and Ron's eyes met- they rolled them and told Harry goodbye. Hermione noticed that Harry left in the same direction that Malfoy had previously. His recent obsession with the boy was starting to become quite concerning, and Hermione felt that it was downright unhealthy. She sighed and told Ron that she supposed they should follow the other students and start heading for the carriages. They had an entire day of apparition class ahead of them.

-----------

"You did it!" Ron exclaimed to Hermione as they sat down in the Three Broomsticks to get out of the cold and have a cup of butterbeer. Hermione smiled as she took off her heavy coat and set it beside her, she did feel a bit proud. Several students had actually successfully apparated, but she was the first to do so. Ron hadn't made it at all, except one failed attempt when he spliced his nose and right pinky finger. He was pretty sore about it at first, but cheered up immensely when Neville left a leg and arm behind.

"I know, and you almost had it. You'll do fine when the tests come," Hermione replied. The two began chatting idly about the upcoming test when their waiter came and asked what they would like to have that day. Hermione immediately ordered a butterbeer, which had become her newest craving. Just the smell of it in the room made her mouth salivate. Ron declined a butter beer and ordered eggnog.

"Eggnog?" Hermione asked, surprised. She wasn't a fan of eggnog herself, the Christmastime drink had always made her feel a bit queasy.

"Yeah, they only have it in wintertime, but it's the best there is. Want to change your order for it?"

Hermione laughed and shook her head. "No, I'm not a fan really. But thanks."

"Alright, but you're missing out," he said. Hermione just smiled and sighed.

"Ron?" someone asked from behind her. Hermione turned around to see Parvati Patil in a heavy coat standing with a small scroll of parchment tucked in her outstretched hand. It took Ron a moment to realize that she had a letter for him. He looked up at her in puzzlement, not knowing who it was from. She handed him the letter then shrugged her shoulders.

"Lavender asked me to give it to you. She wouldn't come herself, she said you and Hermione looked plenty comfortable without her," she explained, looking slightly ashamed at her role as having to relay Lavender's message. Ron thanked her and raised his eyebrows in confusion at no one in particular.

"What does she want now?" he asked more to himself than Hermione, and opened the letter. She watched his face curiously as he read it, and wasn't surprised to see flickers of annoyance, anger, and defeat cross his features.

"Mad again?" Hermione guessed.

"Uh huh. Says that I may as well just be with you, I spend all my time with you, she never gets to see me anymore…the same old stuff. Except she mentioned some confrontation with you and Ginny when I was in the hospital. What was that about?"

Hermione blushed as she remembered the conversation and chided herself for being so immature, "It wasn't anything really, her and Ginny just had a spat and I was there."

"I figured she'd exaggerated. Why does she have to act so weird sometimes?"

"Because she doesn't like me," Hermione replied tartly, taking her warm butterbeer from the waitress who just appeared beside her with their orders. Ron must have been thinking intently, for he didn't say anything in the next few minutes. Hermione spent the time by stirring her butterbeer with her finger and watching people walk by the window lazily. She had almost forgotten about Ron entirely when he broke her thoughts with a question.

"What?" she asked, having not heard him clearly.

"Why wouldn't she like you?" he asked again. Hermione groaned and rolled her eyes. Ron was such a moron sometimes.

"She doesn't like me because we're friends and she think that we're shagging each other when she's not looking," she said, not even registering the widening of Ron's blue eyes or the way his mouth snapped open and he stared at her. "What?" she asked at his gasp.

Ron fumbled with his straw and blushed furiously. "Nothing," he mumbled, incapable of meeting her eyes. His mind was reeling frantically, trying to block out the very tempting image of himself and Hermione shagging. Hermione hardly noticed his discomfort. She tilted her butterbeer to her chin and drained half of the delicious drink in one gulp. She failed to notice Ron staring at her in a very odd expression, but she did notice the two boys entering the pub. Her eyes immediately darkened and her blood ran cold.

"Let's set over here, far from the mudblood," snarled Bliase Zabini as he and two other members of the Slytherin house walked near to Ron and Hermione. He narrowed his dark eyes and raised his head slightly so that his high cheekbones stood out on his thin face as they passed the two Gryffindors.

"Sod off, Zabini," Ron grunted angrily. He eyes Blaise and stretched his hand toward his left pocket, where Hermione was sure his wand resided. She sincerely hoped that he wasn't about to do something stupid.

"Say's who?" Zabini goaded Ron. He was in the mood for a fight, Hermione had the feeling he was trying to get Ron to respond with his wand. She felt her stomach clench and she knew she had to stop them both before a dual broke out in the middle of the pub.

"He's not worth it, Ron," she pleaded, hoping that Ron would ignore their company. Ron didn't seem to hear her, he was glaring at the Slytherin's with more hate than Hermione thought he could muster. He drew out his wand slowly and leveled it at Blaise dangerously. Hermione gulped and felt the room spin. This couldn't happening, not now. The smell from Ron's eggnog, which she just noticed, filled her nostrils and gave her the dangerous urge to puke. Vile tasting stomach juices pushed themselves up to the back of her throat. She pressed her hand to her mouth, begging it to stay inside. Just as Ron began the beginning movements to hex the black Slytherin, she could no longer restrain herself. Hermione flung her hand from her mouth and puked. Blaise's eyes widened and his mouth opened unconsciously in repulsion and surprise.

"What the-? Did you just bloody barf on me?" he asked, disgusted and revolted. He stared at the mess in horror and then fear. "Is the mudblood sick? What if I get sick? Oh hell! I don't want to be near something so disgusting and disease ridden," he spat acidly. He marched from the pub with a scowl and frown on his face, terribly offended that someone whom he considered of inferior breeding had contaminated him with her filthy germs. Hermione started laughing, then covered her mouth as another wave of nausea passed over her. Ron, who was just plain confused at the moment, stared at her. Finally it came to him that Hermione had vomited, and concern immediately etched itself across his warm features.

"Are you okay?" he asked tenderly. Hermione nodded her head and waited for the urge to vomit to pass. After a while it did and she took a deep breath.

"I'm fine, just felt a bit queasy for a minute is all,"

Ron wasn't buying it and touched her forehead softly, "Well I think we should go back to Hogwarts. The carriages will be leaving soon anyways, no one will mind if we leave a bit earlier," he told her. He helped her to the carriages and watched her with concern and tenderness as they road back.

"Oh Ron, stop looking at me like that! I'm fine," she swore, annoyed by Ron's over attentiveness. He made a face and sighed.

"I was just concerned is all. What's the matter?" he asked. Hermione felt frustrated, nauseated, and she had a banging headache. She told Ron the only thing she knew would make a male stop pressing a female for questions. She hated to resort to it, but she had no other choice. It wasn't like she could tell him she was pregnant and just saw someone who very much made her feel unpleasant.

"I'm on my period," she said bluntly. Ron's jaw dropped and he blushed furiously.

"I didn't need to know that!" he said, horrified. Hermione smirked and Ron no longer pressured her on their way back to Hogwarts. It was amazing the powers a woman had by talking about her menstrual cycle.

--------------

Hermione and Ron were both greatly relieved to find the common room deserted when they stepped through the Fat Lady. The fire was crackling merrily and Hermione smiled softly as she plunked herself down into one of the red couches in front of it. She sank into it slightly, but she didn't mind. Her feet were terribly sore, as was her lower back. Not to even mention her breasts. The comfortable couch was a heavenly relief for her. Ron watched her for a moment, perplexed at her happiness, but nonetheless pleased with her good mood. He grabbed one of the characteristic Gryffindor quilts and sat beside her, throwing the quilt over them both. Hermione gave him a grateful look and snuggled deeply into the covers.

She remembered many nights like this, her and Harry staying up late to contemplate one of their many adventures, or to do homework. Those were her favorite memories- the ones of her here with Harry and Ron. Not all of her memories were light and happy though. Why there was that one night they stayed up till one (horridly late in Hermione's mind) being horrified and scared because they knew Hogwarts might close. It was sort of sad how many of their memories together were sad ones. Voldemort had robbed them of an innocent happy childhood. Sometimes Hermione felt as if they had all grown up much too soon, Harry especially. And of course, now herself.

She wondered for perhaps the hundredth time since she had found out she was pregnant, what her friends would say if they knew. She had faced Voldemort, death eaters, giant snakes, possessed wizards, and multiple adventures with them where they risked their life's; but could they face the fact that she was pregnant together?

"What are you thinking about?" Ron asked Hermione suddenly. Hermione broke from her thoughts like a dolphin breaking to the surface of the ocean and took her eyes from the hypnotizing fire and onto Ron's face.

"Oh nothing really," she replied. Ron frowned and looked at her carefully. Whatever she'd been thinking about, had been bothering her terribly. He could tell because her shoulders had been tense, her eyes sad, and her forehead crinkled. Hermione didn't know it, but Ron could read her sometimes like a book.

"Something's bothering you. You've been acting odd all day. Does it have anything to do with Zabini earlier?"

Hermione looked at him sharply and tried to drain her face of the different emotions that crossed her face when he mentioned their encounter with Blaise. "No," she said and shook her head. Ron wasn't buying it, however.

"What is it then?" he persisted. Surely it wasn't just because she was on her period, he knew it was something more than that. The way he was looking at her, with such sincere concern in his eyes, made Hermione relax a little bit. Something about Ron always seemed to soothe her. She wished she could tell him, she really did, but she couldn't. She just couldn't.

"What's wrong?" Ron asked her again, this time softer. Hermione shook her head and turned her head away from his. Something made her want to tell him everything. She could start with how it all began in December, and tell him the whole story. She would feel much better if she just told someone. It hurt her more than she thought it would to keep the secret from him and Harry. The words, the story formed on her lips. She bit her traitorous lips thin to keep them from screaming her tale. _No, no, no!_ She couldn't. He would hate her, she couldn't bear that. She could feel Ron's eyes on her and forced herself to relax. _Relax relax relax_….she chanted in her head. Finally her shoulders dropped and her neck muscles slowly released. Ron watched this in puzzlement. Hermione turned to him and smiled brightly.

"I'm fine, Ron. It's just been a long day. I actually think I'm coming down with a bit of a cold. Do you mind if I go ahead and go to bed?"

Ron frowned, he knew she was lying. But who was he to pressure her? "That's okay, go on and go to bed. I'm going to stay up a bit longer."

"Well, goodnight then. Tell Harry I said goodnight too when he comes in," she told him, stepping out from the warm blanket and sending a draft of chill air under it. Ron shivered and watched her go up the stairs to the Girl's dorm. He was about to stretch out on the couch when he noticed a letter beside where Hermione had been setting. He picked it up; it was addressed to her. Not wanting to pry, but wanting to find out if perhaps it held a clue to whatever was wrong with her, he carefully opened the letter. Hermione had not read it yet so he had to carefully melt the wax seal so that he could pry it open. He folded open the letter and scanned it's contents quickly. It was from Krum, he was apologizing for something…it really didn't say much. Besides that he wanted Hermione back. Ron rolled his eyes and tried to ignore the hard knot inside of his stomach that came with the possibility of Krum and Hermione together. He carefully closed the letter again. It was best for him to forget the letter all together, lest he drive himself mad. He resumed his stretch and laid out on the couch, tossing the letter to the table on the other side so Hermione could read it in the morning. Ron sighed and tried to contemplate the motives and actions of girls. However soon he began to doze, and in no time at all he had drifted off to sleep. Beside him, the warmth of the fire had caused the seal to soften and open. The letter unfolded itself slightly as the pressure released. Neat script covered half the page.

_Dear Hermione,_

_How are you? I cannot explain properly how sorry I am for my actions. I behaved immaturely and sincerely hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I didn't know what a good thing I had when I let it go. I was wondering if you would like to visit me and my family this summer? To make up for my actions earlier. And to perhaps build a new relationship. I miss you very much and hope to hear from you soon._

_Love always,_

_Viktor_

------------------

"_Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent  
But your demons and your angels reappeared  
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be  
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here  
Leavin' me so many questions all these years"_

-Sheryl Crow Lyrics

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I am so sorry I didn't update last week- I was really busy with my schoolwork and didn't get a chance. I'll try to have a second update this week to make up for it :)


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